mental health and rambles.
It is no secret, I have to take medication to manage my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Without it, I am unstable and very difficult to be around. I am aggressive, I am likely to harm myself, I don’t sleep and I don’t eat. I can’t regulate myself.
Lately I’ve been feeling quite good. I feel like I have been really stable, I don’t feel like I’ve been volatile which is such a nice relief.
If you have medication you need to take friends, please take it. There is no shame in needing it!
These are typically busy days for me in IT. Everyone has had problems over the weekend, nothing works properly and everyone needs it fixing an hour ago.
I didn’t sleep well last night, I got in work 15 minutes late. I’ve been running round like I’m on acid today. I don’t know where the time has gone and I feel like I haven’t achieved anything, when in reality I am making a huge dent in my work load.
I am staying late tonight, possibly leaving work around 20:00 – I have to make my way to the train station in the dark but that’s another matter.
So, today is world mental health day, and I’d like to acknowledge it.
I have a rose tattoo on my right forearm that covers a lot of self harm scars. It covers a lot of what I’ve been through. PTSD is more than just nightmares. I have not slept for days, I have not eaten until I absolutely have to, I struggled with setting boundaries with people, telling people they hurt me, I struggle still to regulate my own emotions. None of these things come easy to me to keep even.
My tattoo represents that beauty can come out of something gross. You may have had your ass kicked by life and assholes, but you can still blossom and come out of it.
I beg of you today, please check on your vulnerable friends. We all need a hand to hold. Even those of us that put a brave face on.
Sometimes I am still shocked that this is a thing. People are so quick to judge someone on an aspect of their life. I have heard someone saying that women shouldn’t sleep around and it is like they have no respect or value for themselves. I, of course, added “Some women respect themselves enough to have an orgasm”
Are we still stuck in that mind set that women aren’t allowed to enjoy sex? I am always stunned to hear this stuff from other women. Don’t we want to empower each other? There are enough men in this world trying to belittle you at every stage, we don’t need to be each other’s enemy.
If you want to sleep around, male or female, it needs to be safe and consensual. That’s all that matters. Are both players enjoying themselves? Then what’s the harm..
They really get me through the day! I love to listen to true crime ones whilst I do my job. Today back at my usual office is heavy with spreadsheets.. so it is nice to have something chill to listen too.
I’ve started going through episodes of Once Upon A Crime. The narrators style is easy to listen to. I love duo’s and some comedy but when I am at work just a simple narration style is best!
Yesterday I worked in the London office, it was about an hours commute. I really enjoyed the whole day. I managed to get myself there without any anxiety, which is a huge win because I’d never been to that office before.
Small wins for me.
I am an avid podcast listener. Usually true crime related ones. One of my favourite podcasts is Redhanded. Two lovely british women cover all sorts of macabre topics.
Their most recent episode resonated with me. It’s about a girl who was 14 and started a relationship with a man who was 42. It developed into an abusive relationship that started with emotional abuse, gas lighting, and then ends in murder.
This episode covers the worst case scenario of a lot of domestic abuse. I think a lot of men and women can relate to that. The way it builds and builds so that you don’t even realise.
When I was 19, I met a guy who was 28. We had a 4 year long relationship. The first year and a half was great, then it brewed into something nasty. He would belittle me, bully me and gas light over the smallest things. Back then I didn’t even know his behaviour had a name. I didn’t know I was living with a textbook narcissist.
When I left that relationship and came home, my parents didn’t recognise me. I was a fucking ghost compared to the fun loving, loud, confident girl I used to be. It still hits me now how awful that relationship was and I am not prepared to share the ugly details right now.
All I’ll say is, listen to that episode if you’re up to it. Listen to your friend who says things like “I can’t, my boyfriend won’t let me” Sometimes that’s the only subtle clue you’re going to hear.
I had a lot of Rolo cuddles. He is such a baby, if I am out too much over the weekend he actually misses me. Rolo is used to me being around, he is used to my routine. As soon as I come home from work, I put my stuff in my room, I run a bath. Rolo greets me at the door, we have a cuddle, he runs upstairs, waits for me to dump my stuff, then follows me to the bathroom. He’ll chill out on the floor whilst I am in the bath. Then for the rest of the evening he follows me around like a shadow.
I would not change this monster for anything. Rolo is the perfect mix of cute, cuddly, but also keeps you on your toes with his naughty nature too. I love him.
I have been trying to get out of my head a little. I spent Friday night home by myself, wrecked with period pain. Saturday, James and I went out to an Alpaca meet and greet. Honestly, it was such a good day. The rain stayed away and we had a super good time. I now need approximately 7 Alpaca’s in my life.
I honestly do not remember what I did on Sunday, I think it was just chilling. I’ve had Tuesday off work because I had a killer migraine… back in the office today.
My mental health seems stable right now. I’m not over thinking it, I’m not questioning things. Just trying to take each day as it comes.
It has been so busy this morning. I have busted my ass to meet some deadlines with laptop builds.
I have a few weekend plans, and I am looking forward to seeing a few people. Tonight I am at a friend’s house, we need wine, a horror movie and a vent. Friday I’ll be at my best friend’s house for a similar evening. Saturday, James and I are going to meet some Alpaca’s. He said he knows this year we’ve done a lot of car related things, so told me to pick something we can do. 2 hour meet and greet followed by a walk with some lovely Alpaca’s. I am so excited about this. I’m going to have my camera at the ready! Saturday night we are staying at mine. I feel like I have been out and about a lot recently, I need some Rolo time. So he can have me and James Saturday night for double the cuddles and love. Sunday is a dog walk with my brother and a friend. It’s going to be a busy one, watch me say how tired I am on Monday!
Keeping busy does me good though. It keeps my mind preoccupied, it makes me tired, and that means less PTSD flares.
positivepants! 