I haven’t posted recently.

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Honestly, I’ve had a bad week. I feel like I store up all the crazy and every couple of months I explode. However, I think I handle it better and I can tell when it is going to happen.

I’ve had a few days off work, I’ve had numerous doctor’s appointments, tablets left right and centre. I’ve had Zopiclone most nights during the last week. I’ve cried for hours on end, and I’ve also lay on my bed dissociating into the fucking ceiling.

It is Monday, I have gotten up for work on time, I’m dressed, I have make up on and my hair looks.. well, like my hair, it is uncontrollable. To anyone on the outside I look fine, girl is put together. To those who know me, they’ll see underneath and know I am not 100% yet. Being back at work is the best because it gives me routine and what feels like a purpose.

Never good enough.

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I will admit, I do not have qualifications. I didn’t get through college, I didn’t go to uni. I temped and job hopped for years. I finally found my feet in IT. I did a mixture of admin and worked my way to IT administration, to desktop support. My role now is Laptop Build Specialist and I am currently aiming for a Technical Specialist role.

One thing I cannot stand is someone trying to make me feel stupid. I am not stupid. I don’t have BA after my name, I don’t have fancy A* anything. I did C grades in my GCSE’s…. But I have worked hard to find something I enjoy and I am good at.

My older brother is 29, he was born smart. That man doesn’t have to use his brain, he is just smart. My younger brother is 22. He went to university, has a degree in Theatre Studies. Me? Middle child, nothing special, no commendations here.

What do I have? Motivation, ethics and a passion to better myself. I won’t let anyone, family, friend or acquaintance, make me feel like I am not enough.

Quitting smoking.

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It has been on my list forever. Last time I quit I did 5 days. Doesn’t sound like much to most people but smoking is my vice. I barely drink, after my dad’s heart attack smoking became my coping mechanism.

I guess it’s healthier than binge drinking and cutting myself to a psych appointment.

But, I am thinking. I need to quit. I don’t get enjoyment from it, don’t get me wrong I “like” smoking, but what does it do for me? So, instead of smoking a pack away I am keeping it on me. An anxiety crutch can exist without being used. I’ve actually written “Don’t smoke!” on my hand to remind me when I am auto pilot pulling a cigarette out.

This 4 day weekend, I am at James’s. There is no stress there, and I have no reason to have an anxiety cigarette. There’ll be a want (not a need) and I’ll need to over ride that.

I’ve just left the doctor’s.

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I always get worked up before going to the doctor’s. I can never get an appointment with just one, the same one. I get shifted between 2 female doctors and 2 male doctors.

Today I saw a new doctor, and he was amazingly kind. Dr Kadir actually listened to me. He wasn’t typing at the same time, he wasn’t distracted. All his attention and concern was on me, and I appreciated that. As soon as I sat down, the word vomit happened. I told him I cannot sleep. My anxiety keeps me up. What if, what if, what if. I cannot shut it off. Sleep to me is a lack of control, it is a vulnerability. It has peaks, and it has lows. Lately it is at its peak and it is affecting my job, my social life and my mood.

He listened to all my concerns and all the things keeping me up at night. He prescribed me Zopiclone. I said that’s fine but one doctor cuts the dose in half and gives me 4 tablets, whereas another gives me a full dose for 7 days. His response “That is pointless. There is no use halving your dose because this is a severe problem, 3.75mg isn’t going to touch you.” Here is a doctor paying attention to me, and not making me feel like I am a liability. I couldn’t be more grateful. He has suggested to make these 7 tablets last over 2 weeks and if the problem hasn’t improved to come back and we will do a medication review.

I currently take Paroextine and it has been wonderful for the last year. However over the last 3 months I seem to be having more mood swings, less sleep and more ptsd symptoms. So the next visit may involve a medication change. I think I am okay with that, but if it is a new ptsd specific medication I may have to go see a psychiatrist to get it prescribed.

Let’s not worry about that for now. James is on his way over for a cuddle and to listen to why I am so anxious and potentially feed me bad food.

I just want to feel still.

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My mind is always active, there is always something to think about. It is like a constant white noise in the background of everything. It can be harsh, it can be belittling, it is never nice. I feel so alone and I wish I could give someone access to my brain. Hey friend, I am not being needy or annoying but I just need someone right now. I don’t want to have to say it, I just want someone to know – but that is dumb.. and not possible.. I don’t know what I want. I don’t want this.

I just need someone to hold me so I can at least feel put together. I also keep having shitty shitty dreams that James is going to leave me. The last 4 nights have been so vivid and they really hurt. I ask him often, you’re not bored of me are you? You’re not planning a secret break up? Do you really love me? When I don’t share these thoughts it’s like they multiply and get worse.

I’m just fed up with being that needy person who has to have reassurance. Someone didn’t text back? Jesus Christ, they don’t hate you. I know tonight is going to be chain smoking, and a late one.

Do you ever get fed up of chasing.

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Sometimes I don’t want to check in on everyone. I want someone to check in on me.

I have no idea where this feeling has come from but I have an overwhelming feeling of being forgotten. I have no reason to feel like this, but instead of talking to someone I’m just sitting alone blaring it away with music.

I have no interest in anything lately.