I have so many ideas.

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I keep getting hits of ‘inspiration’ for things I want to write about. Things that have affected me, things I know that have affected those close to me, those no longer close to me.

I want to write about the ‘shame’ of being a victim, I want to write about victim mentality, when do you shed that label, do you shed that label? Is it a mind set, is it something others put on you? I want to write about the stigma around needing anti depressants to function, why do you feel shame but your abuser doesn’t? When is enough .. enough .. and you start putting yourself first?

Another thing about me..

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I started crochet about a year ago. I am still not the best at it, but it keeps my hands busy. I figured I needed a hobby that required my full attention, it helps with the anxiety waves I get some evenings. I’ve made a few crochet dogs, and some small opossums, I have a few blankets that are always in progress.

I’ve lost count of the number of crochet related books I’ve got. There is a dedicated Crochet Corner in my bedroom, I have so much yarn and not enough space for it. Rolo enjoys spending time with me whilst I crochet, he usually lies on it or gets his paws tangled up in it. Either way, it can be such a nice hobby to take up for an anxious brain. It is so nice to switch off, have a podcast playing and follow a pattern for a teddy of some sort. I definitely recommend it.

Tuesday!

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I don’t think I have much interesting to post this morning, except I took my medication before leaving the house, which is rare.

I take 50mg of Paroxetine, and if I am late or miss a dose, I know about it. The side effects are horrendous. I feel so dizzy, it is like I am constantly on the edge of passing out. The headaches that follow are killer. I usually have a routine of taking them as soon as I get to work, as long as I do that at 08:30 I can escape those side effects.

Yesterday was a crazy busy day at work, I ended up taking my tablets at 11am and that made a huge difference. I think when I have time and the right words, I’ll probably do a post about the ‘shame’ and stigma of having to take some form of anti-depressant.

Have an excellent Tuesday, friends.

PTSD and Sleep.

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It is no secret that sleep with PTSD is a difficult thing. I know people that suffer with their sleep without having PTSD. Anything and everything can stop us from falling into that blissful state of unconscious.

My dad suffers with a chronic back condition, it causes him a lot of pain, all day .. every day .. Chronic pain doesn’t switch off at night, it isn’t considerate like that. Mental health is much the same. Your physical pain can be more intense at night, have you just lay down, and just relaxed? Your body decides that’s the best time to flare because you have finally stopped, finally given in and stopped moving. Mental health, much the same.

I meet my dad in the kitchen most nights, or outside having a cigarette. Usually between 1am and 3am we’ll be having a catch up. Dad can’t sleep because his back is on fire, I can’t sleep because my brain sounds like white noise.

My GP helpfully suggests I walk more. I’ve struggled with getting a good nights sleep since before my diagnosis. I have tried the healthy lifestyle.. walking.. making sure my brain is active during the day .. I am exhausted .. hot baths .. lavender .. meditation .. Sometimes nothing helps, and that’s hard for you to accept, let alone someone in the position of actually helping you.

When I am unable to switch off I am not sat on my phone, laptop, social media. I am genuinely staring at my ceiling, or talking to my dog. I get up, have a wander, a smoke. Some nights it just isn’t enough. For me personally, falling asleep is a loss of control. If I am asleep I am not aware of my surroundings, I am not aware of who is in the house. What if there is a break in? What if someone needs me? What if I get hurt? What if something happens to my dog? There are a million and one things preventing me from sleep. What if I have another brutal night terror where I relieve the reasons I have severe PTSD? Those are the worst. Those are painful. I’ll wake up in a sweat, crying, confused and hurt. I swear I can feel the same physical pain I did the night of the trauma.

Having Rolo in my bed helps a lot. His presence just calms me quicker. He is always happy to wake up, give me a lazy tail wag and a kiss. Cuddling him helps me feel less alone, less scared and less vulnerable. Most weekends I stay with my boyfriend or he is here. Having James next to me is the best thing for sleep. The feeling of losing control isn’t so bad, because there is someone I love and trust right next to me. Someone is there that I am in no way afraid of. Someone that I know loves me, and isn’t going to hurt me. It isn’t a cure all though. There are still nights where the anxiety of a night terror prevents me falling asleep. James hasn’t seen that happen yet, what will he do? Will he panic? Will he leave me? Is it too much? That’s a very big PTSD moment, what if he can’t cope? Those thoughts alone can keep me awake when he is with me.

I’ve tried all the ‘good’ options, and I’ve tried the sleeping aids. Herbal and prescription. I can’t say herbal ever really did much for me. Prescription tablets are dangerous and addictive but sometimes they are your only option. There shouldn’t be shame attached to needing a little help with switching off. I also don’t think my GP should eye me so suspiciously when I say that I am not being dramatic, I do need more than 3 to 4 hours sleep.. How dare I..

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When I get home from work later I am going to write a little ‘about me’ section, baring all I can manage to get out right now. It may get updated as I become braver sharing on such an open platform.