mental health and rambles.
It is no secret, I have to take medication to manage my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Without it, I am unstable and very difficult to be around. I am aggressive, I am likely to harm myself, I don’t sleep and I don’t eat. I can’t regulate myself.
Lately I’ve been feeling quite good. I feel like I have been really stable, I don’t feel like I’ve been volatile which is such a nice relief.
If you have medication you need to take friends, please take it. There is no shame in needing it!
It has been so busy this morning. I have busted my ass to meet some deadlines with laptop builds.
I have a few weekend plans, and I am looking forward to seeing a few people. Tonight I am at a friend’s house, we need wine, a horror movie and a vent. Friday I’ll be at my best friend’s house for a similar evening. Saturday, James and I are going to meet some Alpaca’s. He said he knows this year we’ve done a lot of car related things, so told me to pick something we can do. 2 hour meet and greet followed by a walk with some lovely Alpaca’s. I am so excited about this. I’m going to have my camera at the ready! Saturday night we are staying at mine. I feel like I have been out and about a lot recently, I need some Rolo time. So he can have me and James Saturday night for double the cuddles and love. Sunday is a dog walk with my brother and a friend. It’s going to be a busy one, watch me say how tired I am on Monday!
Keeping busy does me good though. It keeps my mind preoccupied, it makes me tired, and that means less PTSD flares.
My mind is always active, there is always something to think about. It is like a constant white noise in the background of everything. It can be harsh, it can be belittling, it is never nice. I feel so alone and I wish I could give someone access to my brain. Hey friend, I am not being needy or annoying but I just need someone right now. I don’t want to have to say it, I just want someone to know – but that is dumb.. and not possible.. I don’t know what I want. I don’t want this.
I just need someone to hold me so I can at least feel put together. I also keep having shitty shitty dreams that James is going to leave me. The last 4 nights have been so vivid and they really hurt. I ask him often, you’re not bored of me are you? You’re not planning a secret break up? Do you really love me? When I don’t share these thoughts it’s like they multiply and get worse.
I’m just fed up with being that needy person who has to have reassurance. Someone didn’t text back? Jesus Christ, they don’t hate you. I know tonight is going to be chain smoking, and a late one.
I keep getting hits of ‘inspiration’ for things I want to write about. Things that have affected me, things I know that have affected those close to me, those no longer close to me.
I want to write about the ‘shame’ of being a victim, I want to write about victim mentality, when do you shed that label, do you shed that label? Is it a mind set, is it something others put on you? I want to write about the stigma around needing anti depressants to function, why do you feel shame but your abuser doesn’t? When is enough .. enough .. and you start putting yourself first?
positivepants! 