Tag: help

Redhanded, Episode 111.

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I am an avid podcast listener. Usually true crime related ones. One of my favourite podcasts is Redhanded. Two lovely british women cover all sorts of macabre topics.

Their most recent episode resonated with me. It’s about a girl who was 14 and started a relationship with a man who was 42. It developed into an abusive relationship that started with emotional abuse, gas lighting, and then ends in murder.

This episode covers the worst case scenario of a lot of domestic abuse. I think a lot of men and women can relate to that. The way it builds and builds so that you don’t even realise.

When I was 19, I met a guy who was 28. We had a 4 year long relationship. The first year and a half was great, then it brewed into something nasty. He would belittle me, bully me and gas light over the smallest things. Back then I didn’t even know his behaviour had a name. I didn’t know I was living with a textbook narcissist.

When I left that relationship and came home, my parents didn’t recognise me. I was a fucking ghost compared to the fun loving, loud, confident girl I used to be. It still hits me now how awful that relationship was and I am not prepared to share the ugly details right now.

All I’ll say is, listen to that episode if you’re up to it. Listen to your friend who says things like “I can’t, my boyfriend won’t let me” Sometimes that’s the only subtle clue you’re going to hear.

Work.

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It has been so busy this morning. I have busted my ass to meet some deadlines with laptop builds.

I have a few weekend plans, and I am looking forward to seeing a few people. Tonight I am at a friend’s house, we need wine, a horror movie and a vent. Friday I’ll be at my best friend’s house for a similar evening. Saturday, James and I are going to meet some Alpaca’s. He said he knows this year we’ve done a lot of car related things, so told me to pick something we can do. 2 hour meet and greet followed by a walk with some lovely Alpaca’s. I am so excited about this. I’m going to have my camera at the ready! Saturday night we are staying at mine. I feel like I have been out and about a lot recently, I need some Rolo time. So he can have me and James Saturday night for double the cuddles and love. Sunday is a dog walk with my brother and a friend. It’s going to be a busy one, watch me say how tired I am on Monday!

Keeping busy does me good though. It keeps my mind preoccupied, it makes me tired, and that means less PTSD flares.

I just want to feel still.

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My mind is always active, there is always something to think about. It is like a constant white noise in the background of everything. It can be harsh, it can be belittling, it is never nice. I feel so alone and I wish I could give someone access to my brain. Hey friend, I am not being needy or annoying but I just need someone right now. I don’t want to have to say it, I just want someone to know – but that is dumb.. and not possible.. I don’t know what I want. I don’t want this.

I just need someone to hold me so I can at least feel put together. I also keep having shitty shitty dreams that James is going to leave me. The last 4 nights have been so vivid and they really hurt. I ask him often, you’re not bored of me are you? You’re not planning a secret break up? Do you really love me? When I don’t share these thoughts it’s like they multiply and get worse.

I’m just fed up with being that needy person who has to have reassurance. Someone didn’t text back? Jesus Christ, they don’t hate you. I know tonight is going to be chain smoking, and a late one.

Disconnect.

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I am pretty sure this is not just a ‘me’ thing, this isn’t just a ‘Casper exclusive feeling’.

Does anyone else struggle with friendships? I often over analyse my actions and my words. If I want someone to be my friend, I do have a way of making it happen, I can make people laugh, I am a good listener and I am generally supportive. I have an issue where I am quite needy though. I do like contact with my friends, I do like to know they’re okay. I like to be involved. I keep my circle small (trust issues eh) mainly so I can have time for each and every close friend. I don’t want to be breaking my time up so much that I don’t get to connect properly.

Then I have another worry. Does my neediness drive people away? I like to be validated. Please tell me I am not annoying you, I’m sorry I text you outside of work, is that okay? Are we that kind of friend or did I misread that and we are colleagues? Do we hang out? Is it weird if I ask if you’re free this weekend? I struggle to see the line, and I get discouraged easily. Unfortunately for me, any sort of slight against me, genuinely hurts. If someone I am becoming friends with makes a joke that we are just ‘mates’ I sort of think, oh okay they must be getting pissed off with me. I step back.

I have 4 friends that come straight to mind that I don’t have these worries with. My best friend of 23 years, 2 beautiful friends from an ex work place, and a fantastic friend in Stoke. I don’t panic with these 4. I can tell them what’s on my mind, if I feel I am being pushy, or maybe I am being distant, have I not text back in 8 hours or did I send 9 texts in 1 hour? Middle ground has never been my strong point and it shows a lot in my life. Even with partners. If I love you, I love you. Sure there will be spats and I’ll take them harder than others would, but if I am in something, that’s that. It takes a lot to break me to the point that I wash my hands of you.

The feeling of being disconnected from friends/family/partners is a deep one. Sometimes that PTSD cloud just smothers me, if I can’t breathe I can’t communicate that, and I disappear.

I have so many ideas.

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I keep getting hits of ‘inspiration’ for things I want to write about. Things that have affected me, things I know that have affected those close to me, those no longer close to me.

I want to write about the ‘shame’ of being a victim, I want to write about victim mentality, when do you shed that label, do you shed that label? Is it a mind set, is it something others put on you? I want to write about the stigma around needing anti depressants to function, why do you feel shame but your abuser doesn’t? When is enough .. enough .. and you start putting yourself first?

PTSD and Sleep.

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It is no secret that sleep with PTSD is a difficult thing. I know people that suffer with their sleep without having PTSD. Anything and everything can stop us from falling into that blissful state of unconscious.

My dad suffers with a chronic back condition, it causes him a lot of pain, all day .. every day .. Chronic pain doesn’t switch off at night, it isn’t considerate like that. Mental health is much the same. Your physical pain can be more intense at night, have you just lay down, and just relaxed? Your body decides that’s the best time to flare because you have finally stopped, finally given in and stopped moving. Mental health, much the same.

I meet my dad in the kitchen most nights, or outside having a cigarette. Usually between 1am and 3am we’ll be having a catch up. Dad can’t sleep because his back is on fire, I can’t sleep because my brain sounds like white noise.

My GP helpfully suggests I walk more. I’ve struggled with getting a good nights sleep since before my diagnosis. I have tried the healthy lifestyle.. walking.. making sure my brain is active during the day .. I am exhausted .. hot baths .. lavender .. meditation .. Sometimes nothing helps, and that’s hard for you to accept, let alone someone in the position of actually helping you.

When I am unable to switch off I am not sat on my phone, laptop, social media. I am genuinely staring at my ceiling, or talking to my dog. I get up, have a wander, a smoke. Some nights it just isn’t enough. For me personally, falling asleep is a loss of control. If I am asleep I am not aware of my surroundings, I am not aware of who is in the house. What if there is a break in? What if someone needs me? What if I get hurt? What if something happens to my dog? There are a million and one things preventing me from sleep. What if I have another brutal night terror where I relieve the reasons I have severe PTSD? Those are the worst. Those are painful. I’ll wake up in a sweat, crying, confused and hurt. I swear I can feel the same physical pain I did the night of the trauma.

Having Rolo in my bed helps a lot. His presence just calms me quicker. He is always happy to wake up, give me a lazy tail wag and a kiss. Cuddling him helps me feel less alone, less scared and less vulnerable. Most weekends I stay with my boyfriend or he is here. Having James next to me is the best thing for sleep. The feeling of losing control isn’t so bad, because there is someone I love and trust right next to me. Someone is there that I am in no way afraid of. Someone that I know loves me, and isn’t going to hurt me. It isn’t a cure all though. There are still nights where the anxiety of a night terror prevents me falling asleep. James hasn’t seen that happen yet, what will he do? Will he panic? Will he leave me? Is it too much? That’s a very big PTSD moment, what if he can’t cope? Those thoughts alone can keep me awake when he is with me.

I’ve tried all the ‘good’ options, and I’ve tried the sleeping aids. Herbal and prescription. I can’t say herbal ever really did much for me. Prescription tablets are dangerous and addictive but sometimes they are your only option. There shouldn’t be shame attached to needing a little help with switching off. I also don’t think my GP should eye me so suspiciously when I say that I am not being dramatic, I do need more than 3 to 4 hours sleep.. How dare I..

First postypost

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After a while debating writing again, I’ve decided to load up a whole new blog. I am moving away from Tumblr as it seems to be full of chaos.

I wanted somewhere new and fresh to share some thoughts, opinions and personal experiences with my own mental health. I have no idea if anyone will genuinely read this, or if I am typing to the void and the only viewer. Either way is okay for me, because I either get it all off my chest.. or maybe someone else reads this and doesn’t feel so alone.