I am pretty sure this is not just a ‘me’ thing, this isn’t just a ‘Casper exclusive feeling’.

Does anyone else struggle with friendships? I often over analyse my actions and my words. If I want someone to be my friend, I do have a way of making it happen, I can make people laugh, I am a good listener and I am generally supportive. I have an issue where I am quite needy though. I do like contact with my friends, I do like to know they’re okay. I like to be involved. I keep my circle small (trust issues eh) mainly so I can have time for each and every close friend. I don’t want to be breaking my time up so much that I don’t get to connect properly.

Then I have another worry. Does my neediness drive people away? I like to be validated. Please tell me I am not annoying you, I’m sorry I text you outside of work, is that okay? Are we that kind of friend or did I misread that and we are colleagues? Do we hang out? Is it weird if I ask if you’re free this weekend? I struggle to see the line, and I get discouraged easily. Unfortunately for me, any sort of slight against me, genuinely hurts. If someone I am becoming friends with makes a joke that we are just ‘mates’ I sort of think, oh okay they must be getting pissed off with me. I step back.

I have 4 friends that come straight to mind that I don’t have these worries with. My best friend of 23 years, 2 beautiful friends from an ex work place, and a fantastic friend in Stoke. I don’t panic with these 4. I can tell them what’s on my mind, if I feel I am being pushy, or maybe I am being distant, have I not text back in 8 hours or did I send 9 texts in 1 hour? Middle ground has never been my strong point and it shows a lot in my life. Even with partners. If I love you, I love you. Sure there will be spats and I’ll take them harder than others would, but if I am in something, that’s that. It takes a lot to break me to the point that I wash my hands of you.

The feeling of being disconnected from friends/family/partners is a deep one. Sometimes that PTSD cloud just smothers me, if I can’t breathe I can’t communicate that, and I disappear.